Sunday, September 18, 2011

Hand It Over

Pastor greeted me after church. "You seem so much happier lately!" he remarked. "What changed?" I paused. What has changed? I gave the run-of-the-mill answer, "Things are just getting better!" Driving home, I really started considering it. I can definitely feel a change, but can I pinpoint the cause? Yes, I believe I can. It's all about control. I will admit it. My name is Jessica, and I'm a control freak.

 People have been telling me for a long time that I need to relinquish control over to God. Yeah, yeah, I know I would respond. I acknowledged that giving up control was what I needed, but it seemed like an entirely impossible task, and some deep down part of me still held on to the self-absorbed notion that I need to get what I want despite what God wants. Yes, I prayed for guidance, but it was with a feeling of "please guide me to what I want." As I was reading scriptures one night, though, I noticed something. Jesus' disciples didn't spend their time with him constantly asking where their lives were going, or for earthly things they desired. If they didn't focus on those things when they talked to Jesus, why did I? It suddenly didn't make sense, and I honestly had a moment where I felt extremely selfish. If the disciples weren't asking Jesus for help and guidance in their personal lives, what did they ask him? They asked for understanding. The disciples were frequently asking Jesus to explain his teachings, and were focused on their eternal lives rather than their mortal lives. They were so ready to hand control over to Christ that they shed control of their own personal lives, dropped everything, and followed Him.

The things I want in my life are not necessarily the reason God put me here. I don't understand the purpose God has for me yet, but that's ok! That realization wasn't so bad. The part that I am struggling with is being alright with it if I don't get the things that I want, and trusting that while gaining understanding and working as an instrument of God, He will provide for me. Yes, I'm still a work in progress, but I'm working through it step-by-step!